The Problem of Success

I meditate every morning after breakfast. It’s what I do before I sit down in my studio space to work, to clear my mind.

Today, I had a realization during meditation.

See, I started this year with a major, singular goal – all of my other goals were made with this one priority in mind.

That priority was to be able to not need a “day job” by the end of the year, and make all of my earnings through Fantasyville Productions.

My realization during the meditation was this:

“Fantasyville Productions is paying my bills. I have a sizeable savings cushion thanks to my hard work last year. I’m living on my own for the time being. And I’m on track to not needing to work at the comic shop – they only have me there for 4 or 5 hours a week now as the Facebook page manager.

“And for a while, I was actually scared because of losing my hours. But this was what I set out to do this year!”

I was scared because I was succeeding.

Neil Gaiman was right – everyone talks about the fear of failure, but no one talks about the fear of success.

The fear of success is very real. And it’s something I was not prepared for.

The fear of success, as I’m experiencing it right now, is realizing, “Holy banana pants! My plans are actually working! What do I do now? I didn’t think this would actually work!”

There’s also the very real fear that this success will be short-lived. To me, this fear is the most real, especially given the work I do: comic convention season only runs for so long, you know. And by the time Christmas rolls around, there’s no freelance work, and there’s no comicons (aside from quarterly trade shows, which I admit, I haven’t tried yet).

So I think that will be my next step – to face the fear of success and say, “How can I make this last?”

How do I make this success extend all year long, and not keep it seasonal?

I’ll be at the drawing board, of course – not just to draw, but to cook up some new plans.

That’s all for now. Thank you for reading!

You. Are. Awesome.

This Week Has Been Crappy

Yo!

This week started pretty rocky – I didn’t announce it except to my personal friend groups, but I had a colonoscopy on Tuesday. My doctor wanted to make sure that, given my symptoms, I wasn’t having any internal bleeding or experiencing symptoms of a more chronic illness like Chron’s disease. The test came back saying there were no signs of anything bad, which is…weird. And also a bit of a letdown. If you know ANYTHING about the prep work needed for a colonoscopy, you know it’s a lot of misery, and to go through all of that just for a test to come back negative has me a bit miffed. Happy that there’s no debilitating issues, but miffed that I went through a lot of metaphorical crap for a lot of nothing.

On the more positive side, there are some great gigs getting lined up, both online and offline. This is REALLY good news because mom and her boyfriend have moved out of the house. Not fully – their RV campsite hasn’t turned the water on yet because Ohio keeps snowing in April. However, the extra gigs will come in handy to help cover the raised rent when they DO fully move out.

So that’s what’s been happening this week. What’s coming up?

Well, I’m making a separate Patreon post about that. Don’t worry – when it posts, it’ll be public viewing.

Thank you for your patience with me.

You. Are. Awesome.